Hey there,
I just have one question. Do you ever have to poke yourself to prove that you’re real? Like really real. You’re just a person out here in the world being alive with thoughts, beliefs, and REAL experiences. We’re all out here, and we’re just ya know, alive. You’re you, I’m me, and we’re just here. How was I born me, and how were you born you? (Okay, that was two questions). This abstract thinking sometimes sneaks it’s way into my brain. Thinking about concepts that are just too large to wrap my head around, so why am I even thinking about it? I probably shouldn’t be thinking about it anyway. It may mean my faith is straying and my trust is wavering. But every now and then, I can’t help but get lost in this world of wonder.
Right now, I’m having a difficult time with feeling so small in a world full of people, while simultaneously living large in my head as it relates to my problems. My anxiety feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders. How can a person feel so alone in this when there are quite literally millions of other people who have similar realities on a daily basis. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who’s anxious and start to question your own reality. Like is this real life right now?
I’m currently living the life that I’ve always dreamed of having. Once upon a time, it seemed so far fetched and unattainable for me. I’ve broken generational cycles, I’m a first generation college graduate, I didn’t fall into some of the same unhealthy patterns that I grew up in. This life is one that I’ve worked so hard to build. I built it from the ground up even though that ground needed some fill ins with more dirt and stability. I didn’t do it on my own of course. My wife and I worked together to build this life, as we both have similar traumatic experiences that stem from childhood into early adulthood. We are giving our child a two parent home. We are active. We travel. We go to church. We care for animals. We have strong friendships. So why the hell do I/we feel so anxious all the time?
Sometimes I find myself drifting from this reality. My thoughts take over and convince me of all kinds of horrible things. Like I don’t deserve this, I’m a fraud, I fell into circumstance and so on. I trick myself that my own lived reality is false. I often tell myself that it’s just my level of perception that makes me a good person or a good life. I’m just the lucky one and my hard work doesn’t really matter. I’ve made a list of the positive accomplishments I’ve made and good qualities about myself, but that teeny tiny little anxious and negative voice finds one little reason or mistake I’ve made to counteract all of it. As if the one bad decision I’ve made can outweigh ten good decisions or achievements. Or this voice tells me to stop making a “good” list; that I’m just gloating. And trust me, if I wanted to make a negative list, I’m 100% sure it would be longer that the positive list. Making that list sure seems like a good idea, until I have this realization that I would just be tearing myself apart just to get a list and probably come out feeling terrible afterwards, so I’m definitely not going to do that.
My inner monologue never shuts up. Like, GIRL! Could you be quiet for just like 30 seconds. Give me time to revel in those 30 seconds of thoughtlessness and let me breathe. That would be glorious. I want to know what that’s like. All the coping skills in the world still don’t shut up my brain- trust me, I’ve tried most everything. I did actually learn a technique one time when I was seeking treatment for a mental health crisis, and it was really so simple. It was to NAME that little anxious voice in your head. Name that anxiety. And the next rule is what truly takes the cake. Name it something that sounds funny or sort of ridiculous to you, such as Bertha. (Sorry to any Bertha’s out there; that was just the example that was used by this particular mental health specialist). I have yet to truly name my own anxious thoughts, but it would probably be something along the lines of Deborah. For whatever reason, that name seems like something I could work with OKAY DEBORAH! Again, sorry Deborah’s, that name just fits my agenda I guess. I also imagine that she would look something like Anxiety from Inside Out 2.
Can I just say that they did a VERY good job with the Inside Out movies. Especially number 2. The nailed the Anxiety character. It is SPOT ON. The panic attack scene? Pure gold describing exactly what it feels like. If you haven’t watched these movies, I highly recommend doing so, regardless of having your own children or not. Everyone can take a message from these movies. Especially since most everyone could use some knowledge and work regarding their emotions, am I right?
Anyway, I’m going to keep this post short and sweet because if I wrote down every little thought that pops into my head; this post would be a book. Mental health is something I have struggled with keeping stable my entire life. That’s just the way it is. It will be a lifelong disease to manage, and I’m just learning to accept that. And I’ll continue to attempt to reduce stigma around mental health. People are so accepting of heart disease, heart attacks, cancer, and diabetes. But why is it that when the most important organ in your body gets sick or fails to function as it should’ it’s immediately rejected. That, I will never understand. Probably lots more on that later. But for now, I’m going to head on out and live my functional anxious life.
Talk soon,
Corrah
