Hey there,

I was thinking about something the other day, and it occurred to me that maybe I should write about it. How the fuck is everyone else just out here living life? Like ACTUALLY living life and doing all the responsible things like laundry, dishes, keeping the damn bathroom clean, groceries, cooking, raising children, walking the dog… you get the gist. Some days I wake up and feel like the insurmountable (and maybe imaginary) list I have just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And I don’t even go to work and clock in at the moment. I’m a stay at home mom right now while my child is still young (and lucky. HA!) enough to have me. Once she goes to kindergarten I’ll be in another world of hurt trying to navigate these mundane things while holding down a full time job and reserving energy to be a good parent. I get paralyzed with anxiety when I think of everything that has to be done in a day; just writing this I’m thinking about how I should clean the bathroom even though it’s 5 am. I never know where to start. The mornings are the hardest for me. I wake up and feel like I can’t move. There’s so much to do already and I’ve just barely opened my eyes. Here’s an inner monologue of mine on a mostly daily basis. So buckle up, or just lightly skim, because this is ACTUALLY looks like inside my brain:

What’s most important? Should I pee first or should I let the dog out first in case he has to pee worse than I do? Should I get full ready right now so I’m dressed for the day when the little one gets up? No, I should stay in my jammies so she knows it’s okay to be still. Wait, no. I should go downstairs and workout. No, I can’t do that. What if she wakes up and gets scared and doesn’t know where I am? Plus, I’ll probably want to run outside later anyway. I should start laundry shouldn’t I? No, it’s 5 am, it can wait. But if I wait, will there be too much later? Maybe I’ll have a cup of coffee. NO! It will raise your cortisol, you need to wait until at least 5:30. Sit down and read. NO! If you do that, you’re lazy. So should I get ready then? Probably not. I’ll pack our lunch boxes. Shit! I’ll have to keep them in the fridge until we go on our outing later, and what if I forget them!? Maybe I’ll read some non-fiction, that will stimulate my brain; wait I had to fill out that order form, it’s due next Tuesday. Do my clothes I set out match the weather? Which lamp should I turn on first. I’m nauseas, should I eat or drink water? Crap, did I switch the laundry to the dryer last night? Well, since I’m going down to the laundry room, I might as well start the laundry then.

I’m not exaggerating. If anything, I’m watering it down. Do these racing anxiety provoked thoughts happen to everyone? I can’t be the only one… right? By the time I’m done overthinking and pacing and writing everything down in my planner, essentially accomplishing nothing; it’s 6:30 and it’s time to get the day started anyway. I value solitude in the morning before the chaos of the day starts, so why don’t I let myself have it? Why do I give in and let these thoughts take over and take up space in my brain? I tear myself down. I speak negatively to myself if I have even a moment of not being productive. I feel like I have to overcompensate because I don’t provide an income for my family. I guilt myself for this very same reason. You can’t just sit around and read you POS. Everyone is out there grinding and you’re just gonna sit here and read?? Wait.. who’s everyone and are they all really “grinding” at 5 am? And if they are, that’s their choice right? Like it was mine and my family’s choice for me to be a stay at home mom. Just because I don’t have a monetary income doesn’t make me any less valuable or worthy of down time. I know these things. Factually. Logistically. But my brain likes to spin and say the opposite. I like to sit and read in the morning. It’s calming, it gets me off to a good start. So why do I beat myself up the minute I get out of bed about how I should be doing something productive. Should. I hate that word. Is there really anything that anyone should be doing? No, not necessarily. It’s okay to open your eyes, get out of bed, and have coffee and read right?? Isn’t that what people do?? It’s what I do. Or what I should do if I’m being nice to myself. Anyway, what I really want to know is, how is everyone else surviving this thing called life and what does that look like? How do people just get out of bed with a smile on their face ready to face the day and the never-ending to-do lists? I just want to know, is it really that easy?

I know, I know. It’s not easy for anyone. Life is hard. Our lists are hard. We all have different “hards”. We can’t change the hand we were dealt and that’s a rough reality to face for many of us. Some in the throws of addiction, mental illness, racial oppression, abuse, physical limitations, death of a spouse, absent parents; the list goes on. But how is it, that some of us can wake up in the morning to our alarms, put our feet on the floor, and start our day without thinking twice. Even if not fully present, but going through the daily rituals without all of the spiraling thoughts. Like, can you guys pour your cup of coffee without vacillating between your mug from Iowa or your mug from Target?? Because I can’t. Even if the thing I’m doing is a daily ritual, I’m still second-guessing or proposing a new way to do things to myself. It’s EXHAUSTING! Like can we just do the damn thing and move on? Why am I standing here wavering about a fricken ceramic vessel for my coffee that I’m only going to drink half of and forget it somewhere weird like on top of my dresser anyway? I anyone has any tips or tricks, please let me know, because I’m treading water over here in my own head. There are some days I feel really great. Like these thoughts don’t happen at all, and I can move through the day with ease, handling turbulence as it comes. And when that happens, I think WOW! This must be what it feels like to be “normal”. I think it’s a challenge to explain anxiety to someone who has never experienced it within themselves or someone close to them. If you are one of these people, please SHOW ME YOUR WAYS! And having no anxiety or racing thoughts on a day-to-day basis is foreign to me. So we have some common ground there. But what does having no anxiety FEEL like. In my mind, I imagine something euphoric. I understand that people without anxiety aren’t just walking around in a state of ignorant bliss, but I like to imagine that it would be like that. Does life just hit them with a whole other set of stressors that anxious people couldn’t even fathom? Sure, for some people that might be the case. Just like there’s super high-functioning anxieties and debilitating anxieties. No two are the same. But I just want to know… how do people do it? Can you function? Do you feel like screaming? Crying? Disappearing? Do you enjoy the stuff you do during the day or do you hate it? I just want to know. Anyways, this post turned out to be mostly about anxiety, so I should probably change the title but I’m not going to.

Talk soon,

Corrah