Hey there,
What. Is. Up!? I’ll tell you what’s up. The number of years that I’ve been married. As you can probably guess by the title of this post, that number of years is 10. Which also means that my wife and I have been together for about 12 and a half years. I’m not really sure how that amount of time came and went so fast, but it did. As the old saying goes, “the older you get, the faster time goes.” This has turned out to be absolutely true. And I’m also here to tell you that time distortion is a REAL THING! It seems like just yesterday I met her for the first time, and all at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. It really was a half of a lifetime ago, which is CRAZY! We’re 31, so we’ve been doing life together for almost half of our existence here on planet Earth. It’s hard to really remember a time without her at my side. Childhood through adolescence was the only time I guess. We met when we were 18 years old. That’s crazy insane sauce. We were mere babies. Baby deer being thrown into the world to figure things out. Which, by the way, we haven’t figured it out. No one has, even if they say otherwise.
We’ve done so much together and we’ve learned and grown every step of the way. And with that growing, that means we’ve also grown very far apart at times. And we’ve grown back together again. Marriage isn’t easy. Especially when you get married young. You hardly know anything when you’re 21, yet you make a commitment to share your life with the same person for the rest of eternity. That’s a pretty big promise if you ask me. Many people said we wouldn’t make it. Shook their heads and convinced themselves we’d be divorced within two years. What those people didn’t know was that we’re two strong-willed people with the desire and dedication to make it work, which ahs ultimately lead to the strong foundation we have today. To stand by each other even when shit hits the fan. Even if that means you’re a signature away from going your separate ways. So since I’m in my 30’s and have been married for 10 years, I basically know everything now (ha!) Let’s not ever forget that I’m a bucket of sarcasm that overflows daily. So I’m here to share some knowledge I’ve gained along the way. Maybe it will inspire people, maybe it won’t- but again, I’m only here to share my experiences. Here we go.
1. Marriage Sucks
It’s true. It does. Say goodbye to the honeymoon phase of butterflies in your tummy every time you get a text message from them. The carefree nature of the relationship simply disappears. Now all of a sudden financial decisions matter as a unit. What you do with your free time is discussed with another person instead of just going out and doing it. Which, at 21 is sort of a drag. Not that we couldn’t, but it feels like a barrier. We had the same friend group back then (we still mostly do; when you’re both girls it just makes sense, and now most of our friends consist of our ‘mom group’ friends because we all share such a deep level of existence at this point in our lives). The obligatory family function list grows twice as big. Not only do you have to go to your cousin’s baby shower, but now you have to go to your spouse’s family reunion too. Usually in the same weekend of course, just to be sure it sucks all of your free time. Mandatory fun events. That’s what my wife calls this kind of stuff. It’s not actually fun, but obligatory to make an appearance; therefore making marriage suck sometimes. Especially if there’s conflicting family events and you must choose which is the priority. So yes, marriage does suck at times. You have to be willing to sacrifice things that are important to you for the sake of things that are important to your spouse. It’s called compromise. Look it up. Humans aren’t very good at it, but when you’re married you have to learn to be good at it, or else marriage is really going to suck.
2. Your Love Has to Be 100% Unconditional
What? Hold the phone. You mean to say that you need to love your spouse NO MATTER WHAT!? Um, yes. That’s what you committed to remember? Now there are exceptions to every rule right? Like physical abuse, sexual abuse, burning your house down on purpose; ya know, things like that. But truly, when the going gets tough you have to stand by each other’s side and fight for the relationship, even if the other person is being absolutely awful to you in the process. People are too willing to throw in the towel when things get hard. Life all by itself is hard, so when you commit to spending the rest of your complicated life with another person, it’s going to be 2x as hard. You have to show up for your spouse. You have to love them when they are exploding your life by doing something out of character. You have to step up and hold them accountable for their actions and be willing to put in the work to fix it.
When you’re with someone for so long, you’re bound to see every ugly side they have. We all have them, we’ve just learned to hide them pretty well from most people. But the person you live with day in and day out and share your whole dang life with isn’t one of those people. Your spouse is the one who smells your morning breath, listens to the way you chew, sees how you handle work stress, and witnesses your drunken mistakes. They see it all. And they still love you. When your spouse is making decisions you don’t agree with or is becoming a person you don’t like, it’s up to you to ahem, COMMUNICATE this and try to figure out a solution. So, if your spouse racked up $50,000 of debt from a gambling addiction then sold a family heirloom in an attempt to pay some of this debt- you need to put your nose to the grindstone and figure this out with them; love them, don’t shame them. Of course you’re pissed, but you’re not perfect either. People make bad decisions. It’s part of being human. You agreed to ‘for better or worse’ so act like it. Don’t walk away; walk towards them with love and grace. After all, you are responsible for your spouse just like they are responsible for you. Ha!
3. You WILL Argue About Stupid Things
Stop doing the laundry, you’re not doing it right. This is a real thing I’ve said to my wife before; many times. She doesn’t separate colors, doesn’t hang dry certain items, etc… I’m not here to air our literal dirty laundry that my wife doesn’t wash correctly (HA!) But I’m using such a silly example to point out that these types of arguments will happen. It’s a 100% guarantee, no money back. These things that you argue about will be reflected upon later with a laugh. Remember that time I accidentally washed your tan sweats with the brights and they turned pink… Aha good times. But if you let these tiny things build up without communicating (ahem, number 4), an explosion will eventually happen. Especially if there is a disagreement on a larger topic, the “leaving dirty socks under the covers because you took them off in your sleep” thing might be arsenal in the big disagreement. Because that’s what humans do. And also- it’s me, hi. I’m the one who leaves my socks in the bed. We even find them in my daughter’s bed because I lay with her to go to sleep most nights. This irritates my wife, but she’s now accepted it as reality and accepted that it’s not going to change. So, the tiny things that bother you should be talked about. Even if there’s no plan to change because that’s just the way the other person is, talk about it. It feels good to state these things that bother you almost as a way to get it off your chest. They may not even be aware of it, and sometimes it’s a simple fix that doesn’t even bother the other person to change. So talk about the little things, before they become arguments about the big things.
4. Cliche’… But Communication is EVERYTHING
See above. That is all.
Just kidding. But I don’t have a lot to say here. Funny since this bullet is all about communication. But actually. Talk about your shit together. Don’t go on assuming things or planning things without talking to each other first. It’s not asking permission, it’s called respect. Talk every day and actually listen. You may come to find that you’re wrong in your assumptions about something. Don’t stew all day thinking about stuff, plan a time to talk. Talk about the little things, the big things, and everything in between. Kinda like when someone tells you, “don’t tell anyone.” If you’re married, that promise goes right out the window. Okay I promise I won’t tell anyone, except my spouse. Just talk okay? Talk until your tongue falls out and your ears fall off. Treat each other like pre-teen girls who giggle and talk about EVERYTHING. Okay, that’s actually all. Just communicate.
5. You Will Go Through Storms That Will Almost Break You
This may seem obvious, but I get the impression that a lot of people assume marriage is just this thing where two people go through the motions of life together, occasionally argue, disagree about vacation spots, and what extra money should be spent on. But I think people forget that we’re only human. The evils of the world will present themselves inside of your marriage, and you will be faced with two decisions. You can either walk through the shit-storm tornado together, or you can choose to walk the other direction to guaranteed safety, all the while leaving your spouse to face the storm alone. Even if it’s a storm your spouse created, you NEED to walk through it with them. No matter what. These are the moments that will highlight your strength as a couple and re-build the foundation of your marriage. When your spouse creates complete chaos for you and your family, the easy thing would be to walk away. Be done. Start over. Many people do. I’m not saying those people are wrong; there are a lot of valid situations where that’s the appropriate solution. I’m just speaking from my own experience. Neither my wife of I would be where we are today if we had just thrown in the towel during every storm we faced. But if you truly want to make it work, you can’t take the easy way out. You have to give everything you have until it completely breaks you as a person before you can wipe your hands clean and give up. And even then, it’s better to take a “break” from your spouse for perspective. Because if you really love each other, want to do life together, and keep working on your marriage; you can’t give up. It’s hard. It’s really effin’ hard. But you have to fight for one another. That’s what you vowed to do. People on the outside will give you unwarranted advice and tell you to leave the person, start over, don’t deal with that, etc… But those people aren’t inside of your marriage. You and your spouse are, and that’s it. And people who comment on your decisions about the 0.3% of information that they actually know and the 95% of information they think they know, don’t matter. It’s not their place and they should put that energy into their own marriage. And if you’re not married and never have been, don’t even say a word. That’s like someone who doesn’t have kids telling you how to parent. Irrelevant and ridiculous.
My wife and I have been through our fair share of struggles over the past 10 years. Which is to be expected. You can’t live side by side for 10 years in perfect marital bliss. And if you can, please come over here and I will give you the access to the ins and outs of my marriage if you show me the ways. Together we have faced complex addiction struggles, severe mental health crises, infidelity, contradictory parenting ideas, broken family dynamics, lost friendships, lying, and lastly- loosely throwing around the D word. It hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t always been fun. I’d be lying if I said we’ve never done a trial separation or slept in separate beds. I’d be lying if I said we’ve never given ultimatums or left for 2 days and blocked each other’s number. It’s been pure chaos at times. But we’ve always come out on the other side. So weather the storm, it’s worth it. And the sun will come out again.
6. Relationships With In-Laws Are Important and Complicated
Remember how I said your love for each other has to be unconditional? Well this doesn’t apply for your bonus family that you get when you get married. They don’t technically love you like they would love their own family. The love they give is solely based on the virtuous state of your marriage. They’re blood with your spouse, so even if they love you; the minute anything goes south in your relationship, that love becomes purely conditional and you become sort of an exile. At least until some time passes and you get your shit figured out with your spouse. Then it becomes this unspoken awkward water under the bridge, even if you’re still technically exiled. These relationships are so tough to navigate. It’s important to build healthy relationships with in-laws, but it’s also one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. I realize there’s a spectrum from ‘monster-in-laws’ all the way to ‘magnificent-in-laws,’ but no matter where you fall on that spectrum, it’s important to try to get along with them. Even if its all placebo. My wife and I both have had our fair share of complications with our in-laws over the years. No one is perfect and just like being married is hard, being in a family is even harder because there are a lot more people involved and opinions to be had. I’m not going to point out specifics, because that’s not necessary and everyone has their issues, but I will just say that it’s not easy to have family who loves you one minute and flips on you the next because of minor disagreements. It’s uncomfortable. But you have to be willing to push past this discomfort for the sake of your spouse. So just love your in-laws, even if they hate you. Again, they aren’t the ones who have to live with you day in and day out, and no one is perfect; so don’t go on throwing stones. Just choose radical acceptance.
7. One Word: Intimacy
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear this word? Most people say “sex.” And while that’s definitely important, intimacy is practiced in so many other ways. I could probably make a list worthy blog post on intimacy alone, but I’m not going to do that. At least not right now. Intimacy stems back to the communication piece. It’s hard to be intimate with someone if you’re not talking about the things that should be talked about. You also have to be willing to talk about what you need from your relationship as far as intimacy goes and do so without fearing judgement. Intimacy for us sometimes looks like eating ice cream on the couch together after our daughter goes to bed. Holding hands in the car. An unexpected hug in the kitchen. My wife is also a feen for back scratches, so that’s one way that intimacy is practiced in our household. I think of intimacy as a sort of gentility that you have for one another and showing each other that you truly care for the other person. It’s just as important as communication is for connection. So really setting aside the time to show your spouse you see them and respect them is so important. So moral of the story, be intimate.
8. You Will Change and Grow Apart
Actually you will. The fairytale story we’re all told is that ‘two become one’ or ‘happily ever after’ and blah blah blah. Yes, you operate as one unit and yes you want to be happy for the rest of forever, but we’re only human. And by biological human nature, we are all simply meant to grow. From conception that’s what we do. We grow. And we never stop growing until the day we die. We should be consistently learning new things about the world and each other. There’s a turning point (especially when you get married young), where you figure out who you are, who you want to be, and where you want to end up. Sometimes this looks different for each person and you have to be willing to make compromises. When I decided to go to nursing school, my wife and I grew apart immensely. I was focused on school, work, and friends from school. I scaled back on my drinking, all the while- her drinking ramped up. She worked days, I worked evenings. I went to school during the day, then I was either working or studying. I didn’t have time to go out and drink, and there were some identity conflicts there. It wasn’t fitting my life, but it was enhancing hers. We were just two married people leading separate lives in the same household. It just became the norm. I didn’t care what she was doing and she didn’t care what I was doing. We would still go out on the weekends and have fun, but once the week came- we left each other’s side. But here we are years later and I would say our bond is stronger than ever. And some of that is probably because the bond was nearly broken before. Being open and accepting of these changes is key. We didn’t talk about our growing distance until we were both sober and level-headed. Well, maybe not level-headed but you get the picture. This growth just eventually has to find a way to tie back together. So what do we have folks?? COMMUNICATION!
9. Talk About Your Finances
Here’s another shorty that should seem obvious. My wife and I haven’t really struggled too much in this area, but I know a lot of people who do. Finances are hard. Especially if one person has an idea of what’s important to spend money on that differs from the others’. The biggest time we had to really hone in and talk about our finances is when I went from working full-time as an RN to being a stay-at-home-mom with little to no monetary income. This loss of income was HUGE. We just had to be more mindful of where we were spending money. For instance I used to dye my hair, get my nails done, buy new clothes, to-go coffee everyday, etc… But when I became a stay-at-home-mom, all of those things went out the window. They were no longer important to me. I would rather be home with my daughter than go to work to pay some stranger to raise her then get my nails done after work before I pick her up from said stranger. That just feels wrong to me. That income that I’m so called “leaving on the table” was dissolved into unimportant things anyway, so why have it. One working spouse and one stay-at-home spouse is equal to two working spouses; one just doesn’t bring physical money to the table. Okay, I’m off on a tangent here. That’s just because some people like to comment on the way my wife and I handle our finances, but they don’t have access to them so how would they know exactly. They don’t know how much pictures of feet go for. Kidding. I don’t sell pictures of my feet. Or do I? You’ll never know.
So, my wife and I have always had an unspoken rule that we don’t really need to discuss spending unless it’s going to be a shit load of money. But we had this discussion about the non-discussion. See what I’m saying? We don’t just assume it’s fine and throw our money to the wind and hope our bank account doesn’t go negative. Which neither of us do anyway because… well, anxiety. The only time we’re spending a “shit load” of money is when we’re spending it together while booking a trip or something along those lines. Otherwise, I always joke that the card I swipe the most often is my library card. Neither one of us are frivolous enough to come home from a $300 shopping trip to Target. I walk in that place and immediately want to walk out. Anyway, this has been my biggest tangent yet. Talk about your finances BEFORE you get married so you know how to operate once the “what’s mine is yours” factor comes in. Believe me, it helps.
10. Support Each Other’s Crazy Ideas
This sounds crazy. But do it anyway. Seriously. My wife and I wouldn’t be where we are today without taking a few leaps off the cliff every now and then. By supporting these ideas for each other, we’ve learned some big life lessons, fallen down and gotten back up (which only made us stronger), created beautiful things, and also received a lot of judgement from our friends and family. Which is fine. It’s not their life, so they have no room to comment. Let Them, right Mel Robbins? One time we bought a minivan in Arizona all because I said I liked my wife’s grandparent’s minivan because it was easy to get my daughter in and out of with the big clunky car seat when she was a baby. Say no more- my wife was on the internet looking at minivans while we were still in AZ. We drove out to see one, and I’m not kidding you; we bought it. And while we were in the dealership, we went online and cancelled our flights home. You can piece together the rest. We obviously had to then drive across the country with our new minivan and our infant. Who’s crazy idea was that anyway? I think I lit the fuse and my wife was the actual firecracker. This seems to be how it goes. I usually have the crazy ideas, that I fully intend to keep an idea and BAM! All of a sudden we’re buying minivans, renting out our townhouse, and buying a new house (sometimes across state lines). We’re literally nuts. But that’s what makes life fun.
With these rash decisions we’ve learned valuable life lessons. Not to say we haven’t made many rash decisions in our 12.5 years together. That’s kind of our MO. I mean, we sort of got married as a rash decision. We were 21, young and dumb and didn’t know a dang thing. We also moved in together like a month after dating so what does that tell you? We ended up selling our impulse van a year and a half later because it was a hunk of junk and we got screwed on the deal. But it’s a story to tell for years to come. I can’t wait to hear what my adult daughter will have to say about that wild decision. The minivan is only one of many rash decisions we’ve made over the years, but I won’t go into detail about the others because we’d be here all day, and I don’t think you’re here to read a novel. But every crazy idea that we’ve brought to life has taught us something and brought some sort of goodness into our lives, so I wouldn’t change any of them.
So, with that I’ll just say that 10 years has been a lot of ups and downs. A lot of uncertainty and a lot of definiteness. No matter what the issue, we’ve always balanced it out. See number 4… Marriage is hard. It’s not like in the movies where you run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. There are dishes, laundry, dog poop to scoop, and a house to clean. Those aren’t glamorous things and you have to learn to divide and conquer. In more ways than just housework. Marriage takes time, effort, commitment, and partership. Sometimes your spouse has to give 80% when you can only give 10 and vice versa. And that’s okay. That’s what your life together is for. Just make sure your baseline isn’t always 80/10. That’s where problems come in, and I would argue that’s borderline abuse. So I’ll end here, because I have an anniversary to celebrate with my lifelong partner. We might get wild and have THREE Diet Cokes today. That’s all for now.
Talk soon,
Corrah
